


Guilt

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [10]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 01:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14125149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Filler-y stuff for The Guilty Blood





	1. Chapter 1

Alec is agitated. From the second the spell released Jocelyn from her slumber, there's been a set look on Alec's face that Magnus knows without even trying is going to be impossible to make drop.

Alec is snappy; with everyone, but more notably to Magnus, with him. It's when he can't trace Jace with his jacket that Magnus gets a sense of just how desperate he is becoming. That Jace is missing they are all worried about, but having Jocelyn awake seems to have hit Alec hard. Maybe it's because it's just one of the many tasks they've been trying to achieve, and he needs to make sure they're prioritizing the next one to be Jace. Magnus tries to understand it, and supports it either way, but watching the way Alec seizes command and all but yells at Lydia after everything she's so recently done for them, Magnus knows Alec is unreachable right now.

Still. It doesn't stop him reaching out in an attempt to comfort Alec, though gets his touch shrugged off as though it burns. He tries not to be personally offended by it, but when he watches Alec storm away, he is still bristling with a little hurt.

Magnus follows him anyway eventually, keeping a discreet distance for a good hour that he spends trying to assist everyone else, knowing Alec will likely seek fresh air.

"I'm sorry for how I reacted before. It's not personal," Alec tells him without even turning.

"I get it," Magnus says, allowing himself a little relief that Alec knew it was him, "I'm a lot to get used to."

He doesn't mean to make it sound so self-deprecating, or even that this is all about him, but Magnus isn't sure how to approach this subject. He steps closer and rests his hands on the wall next to Alec's, but doesn't make any move to touch him. Even though he'd love to just squeeze his hand, or wrap him up in a hug, or something.

"I know what you're going through, Alexander," he says, thinking of an example.

"No, I… I don't think you do," Alec says, cutting him off before he gets the chance and turning to face him. "Jace is a part of me."

Magnus listens to Alec grow increasingly more agitated talking about the bond he has with Jace, and wishes he could do something to help.

"And I know he's out there. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it," Alec adds, his voice getting higher and higher the more frustrated he gets.

Magnus watches him pace away, and it's just too much. "Tell me what I can do."

It's a mistake. He knows it's a mistake before the words are even out of his mouth; even if it turns Alec around.

"Help me track Jace. I want to use our rune. I just need your magic for the pain," Alec adds, even as Magnus looks away.

"I can't help you with this," Magnus tells him as soft as he can make his voice.

"Why not?"

"The last time you used a rune to track Jace, it almost killed you."

Magnus hadn't even been there for it, but even thinking about it now still leaves him cold. He tells himself again the anger Alec has is not aimed at him, tries to force himself to think before speaking.

"Why can't you do this one thing?" Alec shouts, desperation turning his words to fury. "After everything I've done for you?"

Okay, _now_ Magnus is incensed. If Alec thinks for a moment—

Alec is already turning away from him and pacing in fury once again, storming off before Magnus can get out another word.

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

Alec's been looking for Magnus everywhere. Okay, perhaps not _everywhere_. But when Magnus appears before him and is walking away as though he's not even noticed he's there, Alec finds himself chasing after him. He calls out, and it takes a moment for Magnus to slow down, another for him to turn.

"Are you going home?" Alec asks, half-wishing he could go with him. Though telling himself he can only focus on Jace.

"Where else would I be going?" Magnus asks as though the question is a stupid one. "My interview's over, and I'm exhausted. Besides, at my house, there's steak and vodka. I'd rather be there."

"Wait. You're just… you're not gonna help?" Alec asks in disbelief. How can Magnus even be thinking of leaving at a time like this, when everything is such a mess?

Again it takes Magnus a moment to pause and turn, and when he does, there's an expression on his face Alec can't read, but doesn't like being on the receiving end of anyway.

"You don't get it, do you?" Magnus says, smiling at him, Alec thinks, a little incredulous. "You didn't risk anything for me, you did it for _you_."

Alec is sure he can't believe what he's saying, and even if Magnus _is_ actually saying it, it's exactly what he doesn't want, or need to hear. Not right now. Not in the middle of everything. Not when there's so much to be _done_.

" _What_?" he barks out, livid. "Are you seriously doing this right now? Right now?"

"You know damn well I want to find Jace as much as you do, but that's no excuse to treat me like—"

"Well then, what do you want from me?" Alec yells even louder, unable to believe Magnus could be wanting _this_ to be something they deal with now.

His words echo around them and are followed by a rush of silence. Magnus is either holding back upset, or fury, or possibly even both.

"At the moment," he says, his words coming out soft as though trying to disguise a tremble in them, "nothing."

Alec immediately is hit with guilt for the hurt on his face and the realization of his words. Tries to form an apology, but nothing is coming out. He tries again, the moment an alarm sounds bathing them both in a pulsing red light. The fury on Magnus' face rises to the surface, and he's storming away from Alec without another word, leaving him not knowing what to think at all.

* * *

He needs to speak to Magnus.

There's nothing he can do now in the Institute anyway, not now that a target has been painted on Jace. Jace isn't guilty of anything, Alec knows this, but also knows they'll have to find some other way to find him, and then face whatever _Aldertree_ throws at Jace when he's back. And right now Alec needs to clear his head, because he has to find a way to apologize to Magnus.

He hadn't meant to shout, or lose his temper, or use hurtful words. Not one part of this is Magnus' fault; all Magnus has tried to do is help them, and even when he's not been able to do that he's offered him unfaltering support. Alec hates that he's thrown it back in his face, is worried that anger Magnus turned away from him with might lead to something worse. This new, vital _thing_ between them; is it in jeopardy for his harshness, and rudeness already? There has to be a way back from that anger for them both.

Alec needs to see him in person. He's considered sending a message; even if it's just to say he's coming to see him. But will Magnus even read it, will he even tell him to stay away? It's a risk Alec isn't prepared to take so needs a little time to clear his head, to plan what he has to say to him. Because as well as an apology, he still needs to ask for Magnus' help.

"Alec, slow down."

Alec turns, reluctantly, finally acknowledging his mother's voice. He is not ready for this conversation, knows he'll use hurtful words with her as well if she doesn't give him some space.

"Where are you going?"

"Magnus'. I couldn't just sit in there and not do anything. He'll help me find my brother."

The words spilling from his mother's mouth shouldn't surprise him, really, after her reaction to him and Magnus ever since the called-off wedding. But they do surprise him; Alec is horrified that she could think such things about Jace.

"He made his choice," Maryse says, gripping tight to Alec's upper arms.

"Do you even hear what you're saying?" he asks, hearing his voice getting scratchier for not believing what he has to remind her of. "If you kill him, you kill a part of me."

"When you have a cancer, you cut it out before it destroys you," she retorts.

Alec turns his head in fresh disbelief. It's an emotion that seems to have made up the core of his day, and Alec hates it.

"Son… life is full of hard choices."

"Don't kid yourself," he laughs coldly, "you're not making a hard choice. You're saving your own ass. And unlike _you_ , I don't push someone away just 'cause they're a hard choice."

He's talking about Jace. But he's also talking about Magnus. Magnus was _his_ hard choice, and he doesn't regret it for a second. Maybe it's time to tell him that, amongst so many other things. Alec squares his shoulders and picks a route out for Magnus' loft, knowing he needs a little time before he gets there to plan what he needs to say.

* * *

This is really, really not the time. But as Alec walks through Magnus' apartment watching him shirtless on his balcony doing _something_ with his magic, he has to remind himself he's here to apologize, and get help; not admire the view.

Magnus is beautiful, of course. There is muscle, and poise, and beauty to everything he is doing. Alec has to remind himself once again that part of the reason he is here is to track Jace.

Alec thinks back just a couple of minutes earlier when he'd messaged Magnus to say he was downstairs, and the door to the apartment building had opened without comment. How the apartment door was ajar too, but that Magnus clearly hasn't spared more than a moment to let him in. He's relieved beyond anything, really, that Magnus let him in at all.

"Magnus," he says, when he gets closer, telling his eyes _not_ to keep drifting like they are, "I'm not good at apologies. But I'm… I'm sorry."

Magnus doesn't falter, just keeps on moving gracefully spiraling magic from his palms that he shapes and molds and _controls_. Alec's fascinated, and it's something else he has to snatch his eyes away from.

"Continue," Magnus prompts, fury still clipping his words.

"I'm… _really_ sorry," Alec tries, and without thinking he stands as though he's on duty at the Institute, needing to do something with his hands. Maybe if Magnus could put a shirt on, or something, he could focus a little better. Or at least, if he could stop looking as incredible as he does just now.

Not that he doesn't always, of course. But at least with clothes on—

 _Focus_ , Alec tells himself. And he definitely shouldn't be feeling the things he is feeling for Magnus' commanding retort of, _for_?

"Look, can you just cut that out for a second?" Alec asks, because it might help, it really might, if Magnus could just stop and _look_ at him. He ducks to the side as a ball of magic flies close to his head, and a shade on a nearby lamp is struck.

Alec allows himself another look over the rippling muscles of Magnus' back, and heads out on to the balcony.

"You were right," he says, telling himself he isn't disappointed that Magnus _is_ putting on a shirt. "When I called off my wedding, that was for me. But this is all just… it's very new."

These aren't the words he rehearsed, they're coming out as excuses, and the look on Magnus' face tells Alec he's hearing them as excuses too.

"This may surprise you, but you're new for me too."

Alec has to look away, both from the hurt anger on Magnus' face and because he's having trouble finding his words. He's spent a couple of hours thinking over what he was going to tell him, but now he's here with Magnus he's lost pretty much all train of thought.

"Look, with Jace missing, it's just like… the ground has shifted, and I can't keep my balance. Just—"

Magnus clearly doesn't like what he's hearing, and begins to storm inside. Alec tells himself to be brave, and reaches out to grab Magnus' arm before he can get too far. Alec holds his breath as Magnus allows him to pull him back to face him, knowing he has every right to wrench from his grasp.

Alec slides his fingers down to grip Magnus' hand, and takes a deep breath. "I didn't mean to take it out on you. I'm sorry."

Magnus stares back, nods, and to Alec's relief, his expression begins to soften. There's even a hint of a smile.

"You're forgiven," Magnus tells him. Alec allows himself to breathe. "Also, you're great at apologies."

Magnus slips his hand from Alec's but it's only to straighten out Alec's collar, and the heat of the blush that hits his cheeks a second later surprises Alec. He smiles back helplessly, even laughs a little, relieved when Magnus smiles harder back.

Alec looks down at his newly-straightened collar and turns away, taking another breath. "Thanks. I've been working on it." He takes a quick glance out over the city, but is only really aware of Magnus coming to stand beside him.

"Here's the thing," Magnus says, "we're always going to face challenges."

Alec turns to face him, knowing he needs to listen, and hear Magnus' words.

"So, when things get crazy, don't push me away."

It's fair, and it's new, and it's not too much to ask. Alec's never _had_ this before so doesn't really have the words to answer with, but he nods to show Magnus he _is_ listening, and is trying to understand. And because it's something _else_ he's been thinking ever since he left the Institute, Alec counts out several long seconds of them staring at each other then leans in for a soft, quick kiss.

Magnus reaches out to rest one hand on his waist and Alec falters, stumbling towards him and cupping his face, sighing in relief as their kiss deepens, and Magnus shuffles closer. And when Magnus wraps his arm around him, rests his palm on Alec's lower back, Alec moves so they are flush together, relearning the shape of his mouth.

When they pull apart, they're both breathless and full of smiles, and as Magnus loops his hands in a loose grip around his back Alec hesitates for only a second, then sweeps his hands down his neck to rest on Magnus' shoulders.

"I'm sorry," Alec whispers again, and feeling brave, adds, "and I needed that."

"As did I," Magnus replies, leaning in for one more quick kiss and smiling hard at him. Alec allows himself a moment of this, of just staring back at Magnus as though there's nothing else going on in the world. But then reality creeps back into his thoughts, and he has to speak about the other thing that he's come here for.

"Magnus—"

"I still don't want to do this, Alexander," Magnus says, apparently already aware of what he's thinking. Alec's torn between a thrill for hearing a soft, _Alexander_ again, and knowing he needs to get this done. "But I will. If you will promise me that you'll tell me the moment it gets too much."

"I need to do this, Magnus," Alec says, as soft as he can make his voice, and Magnus nods to say he understands, even if this isn't what he wants.

"Then… we should do this."

"I… thank you—"

"Don't thank me yet," Magnus smiles with a soft burst of laughter, pulling back as he beckons Alec inside. "I'm still upset with you for asking me for this."

"But—"

"Alexander," Magnus says, cutting him off with yet another kiss, "I'm upset because I don't _want_ to see you suffering, in any way. But I'll do this, because I want to help you with this."

"Thank you," Alec replies, reaching out to squeeze his hand.

"You should probably lay down," Magnus adds, gesturing at a couch.

Alec takes off his jacket and goes to raise his shirt up so can get to his rune. But then he thinks of Magnus shirtless, and the look on his face back in the Institute when he'd seen him training, and yanks it up over his head. He holds still, torn between excruciating embarrassment for being quite so bold, and, well, wanting to be wanted. Magnus' eyes linger down over him, a smile growing wider as he looks before making eye contact again.

"I did tell you I liked what I saw," Magnus teases with a wink, and Alec's cheeks immediately flare with more blush. "Lie down."

"Thank you," Alec says again as he sits and settles, "really."

"I told you. Don't thank me yet," Magnus replies, flaring his fingers, "this is probably going to hurt. A lot."

Alec knows that, tries to prepare for that, flares his fingers a couple of times like that might help with his nerves. Magnus moves behind the couch and sighs; Alec can hear the hesitant way he's sweeping his palms together.

"All right, Alec, ready to track your parabatai?"

Alec nods, and braces himself for it, telling himself Jace is worth any hurt. He tries to concentrate on Magnus' magic dancing over his chest, flares his fingers down by his side, preparing for the pain. He draws the stele over his rune, watching it glow, and immediately aware of Jace. Though this isn't what he expected.

"What just happened?" Magnus asks. "Did it start?"

"I don't need to," Alec says, jumping up from the couch. "I sense him. He's on land."

"What do you need?" Magnus says immediately as Alec throws back on his shirt.

"Could you portal me to the Institute?"

Magnus smiles, and without breaking eye contact opens a portal to his side. "Be careful. Let me know what happens."

Alec nods back, debates leaning in for a final kiss but chides himself for being selfish, and instead just smiles, allowing himself another moment to stare at Magnus before stepping through.


End file.
